Throwing Up

Something I haven't done since chemo

And just did

Now remembering why 

I hated it so much

Choking on your own puke 

Isn't the most pleasant thing in the world

My head hurt so much 

The pain of it lately

Either makes me pass out 

Or vomit

I start to get nauseous

And more than anything in the world I want to throw up to make the nausea go away

But it doesn't happen often

Like I said 

Not since chemo

And today I puked

Just bile

But still as nasty as regular vomit

Passing out 

At least that means I get some sleep

Which that hasn't been happening much lately

Unless I take sleeping pills

And I'd rather not be on anything at all

But I kind of need some sort of sleep

So pills for everything

Pills for depression

Pills for anxiety

Pills for sleeping

Pills for the headaches

And now maybe pills for nausea

I really want this depression pill

And I am willing to tough it out

Even if it means throwing up

I'm tired of being depressed

I don't want to be like this forever

Throwing up 

Could be a metaphor

For throwing up every bad thing in you

That's what you are really doing anyway

You ate something bad

And your body gets rid of it by throwing it up

Throwing up feelings

Is kind of the same thing

The feelings that are making you sick inside

Not just to your stomach though

To your heart

They make you sick inside of your heart

I don't want to be sick there anymore

So I will throw up all my feelings

Until I am better