Out Of Control

Sometimes I wonder 

How am I going to make it through the day

The hour

Or even minute

The thoughts in my head spinning 

Out of control

Making it so one thing you have said

Reminds me of something that my mom said

That makes me think of the past

The past 

Makes me think

Of the abuse

Thoughts

Of the abuse

End up 

With me being disassociative

Or I go into hyper thinking

Where I analyze sound

And words

What you mean by them

Whether those words mean you hate me or not

Sometimes

I

Think

I 

Can't

Do 

This

This living thing

Living with all these memories

All these thoughts that aren't mine

Or shouldn't be mine

This anxiety

Depression

PTSD

I SHOULDN'T HAVE PTSD AT 19

To young

Way to young

Why?

WHY?!

Did she do this to me?!

She was supposed to love me

To be my mother

I wasn't supposed to be a punching bag

I was the only one she couldn't control

I got punished for that

Because I am bad

Because I am bad

I still punish myself

For bad thoughts

For bad feelings

For bad anything

This

This poem is bad

Feelings are bad

I am bad

I deserve the pain 

That I give myself

I am failure

I am a worthless piece of shit

I am not worth this life

And for this 

I deserve to die